Saying Goodbye to Indecision

Something not many people guess when looking at me is that I am a huge softy!

When I boarded that train to take me from Johannesburg to Capetown I found myself an empty carriage and I sat in there, alone, and cried for at least the first hour.

I couldn’t decide if leaving had been the right decision. I had this ticket booked for well over a week but right up until 30 minutes before departure I didn’t think that I would actually be getting on that train. Whenever my new friends had asked me when I was leaving Jozzi I had replied with ‘I don’t know’, and I didn’t know, but what I should have said was ‘I have a ticket booked for the 7^th, but knowing me and my spontaneity (read: indecisiveness) those plans could easily change’. But I didn’t say what I should have said and so I ended up leaving without a proper goodbye to anyone.

The morning of the 7^th, after the lesbian First Friday night, I woke up with a horrible hangover and an even more horrible decision to make. I hadn’t actually thought I would be leaving, but for some reason that morning I was plagued with my self-imposed pressure to keep moving, keep having adventures, “be grateful for the time you had and move on” I told myself.

I messaged Chuck, what does he think I should do? But he didn’t reply, I knew he wasn’t a morning person. Rudy was away, he’d given me the keys to his house and an invite to stay while he was gone, but he wasn’t around to bounce ideas off. I packed my bags. But I still didn’t know if I was leaving or not. I cleaned Rudy’s house. I still didn’t know. I walked to the shop and bought a bottle of wine and a plant to say thank you to Rudy, even though I still didn’t know if I was staying or leaving.

I called the train company to try and change tickets, but that didn’t go so well. I messaged mum, what did she think? She said I should go. I called my girlfriend, she thought I should stay. I messaged Ange, she seemed ok with me leaving…. The mixed messages were making it worse.

Then Chuck called, he said he’d be over in 5 minutes.

We went to Xai Xai, I ordered a tea, he ordered a beer and he showed me his blog. He had written one about me before I went to Lesotho and had asked me to write a blog response. So I did. Even though I had never written a blog, or anything really, before.

He showed me all of the people in Australia who had logged on to read my response and he told me I have “pull” that I need to trust in myself and that I should blog this trip. He said some more kind things and I put my sunglasses on to hide my tears.

I called the train company again and finally got through. I could re-book my train for Tuesday which is perfect because Rudy gets home Monday so I would have time to say goodbye to everyone properly. I was told that I only had an hour to get to the station to change my ticket.

Chuck drove me there and while he waited in the car I waited in line. I got a message from Mum which again challenged my decision. She said that she read on my Facebook wall that Marie, my friend from Kruger would only be in Cape Town for one last night and to see her I’d have to leave then…. Argh! What should I do?

So I did the only thing I could think of… I flipped a coin.

Impala head says I go to Cape Town, strange pattern says I stay in Jozzi.

I flipped the coin.

It landed on the Impala head.

I walked back to the car. I still didn’t know if I had made the right decision. I figured I would never know, or that there is no right or wrong decision anyway.

I hugged Chuck goodbye. Twice.

He said that it was his turn to cry now.

I turned my back and walked away.

I sat in the empty compartment beside the one I was going to sleep in that night, I could hear the three women I was sharing it with nattering away but every part of me felt shit. I hate saying goodbyes. I could think of nothing worse than saying goodbye to friends I will possibly never see again.

I needed to call my girlfriend and we spoke for two hours until I ran out of credit. But she made me feel better. I think she was surprised at how sad I was and how frazzled making that decision made me; she has always been a lot more sure of herself than I am in situations like this. Perhaps it was a build up of many things, the whole last two months and how constantly overwhelmed I had felt. Or maybe I had just gotten attached to a place and a time and I didn’t want to say goodbye. When the phone call ended I thought about how much I missed her and that I really can’t wait to see her again. Though nearly half the trip was gone already each day seemed to be going by faster than the day before and I had a lot more places to see. I decided that maybe I didn’t make the ‘wrong decision’ after all. It wasn’t necessarily the ‘right’ decision either but it wasn’t ‘wrong’.